hi. i've been gone a while.

i have a new blog.

on jan. 19, i will become a wife, to a very patient, loving man.

i am now writing my confessions of being a messy, flawed, and imperfect wife. because where i am messy, imperfect, and flawed, He is strong.

there's a lot of pressure out there to be super wives/moms, i know i'll fail at this, so i figure i'll write about it as i fail at perfection, and point the finger to Jesus through it. :)

here, see: confessions of an imperfect wife

happy readings.

and, we're adopting a child with special needs, you know, after we're married and all. because james 1:27 makes it pretty clear about all that.

blessings,
an imperfect fiance

all things...

as of mid-april, obama along with other members of the UN are lifting sanctions off burma (myanmar)

this mainly applies to non-profit and charity workers in the beginning, which is great for kingdom kids.  the process of becoming a 591(c)(3) is moving quickly, we are an official non-profit now, and have an account set up through wells fargo (which i will update on the paypal link soon).

i am still hoping to go next summer, during the summer camp, for a short time, and we remain in contact with our connections there regarding the needs.  the needs are great.  but, so is the vision.

God is greater.

He has begun a good thing, and we know that His purpose will be accomplished:
from isaiah 55:

¹⁰ “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
    and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
     giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
¹¹ so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
    it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
    and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

¹² “For you shall go out in joy
    and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and the hills before you
    shall break forth into singing,
    and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
¹³ Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress;
    instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle;
and it shall make a name for the Lord,
    an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.”

thank you for your continued prayers, for those you do not know.  <3

an update

change is beginning ---aung san suu kyi has won a seat in parliament!  wonderful news!

suu kyi, who was recently released from over 10 years house arrest (which is somewhat at the center of the financial embargo between the u.s. and burma) has won a seat in parliament--much like the election she won over 10 years ago, and then was falsely arrested and ordered to house arrest by the ruling military dictatorship.

we pray for her protection.  we pray that this will be the beginning of a new hope for the burmese.

we are one step closer to getting our official 501c(3) status, and will then begin being able to raise tax-deductible donations.

one of the pastors we are communicating with has updated us with the emerging and pressing needs for the children's ministry, and training of "teachers".  our initial goal is to raise $10,000, this will cover a year's worth of materials (books, workbooks, etc)., transportation for the summer camp months (approximately 5,000 children attend during the summer camp months), food, "facility" use, a book the pastor is writing for distribution to the homes, as well as training for all the adults involved. this is incredible considering they reach thousands of children!

i want to return next summer,  for approximately 3 months, and will begin fundraising for this soon, since many of my expenses will consist of "appreciation" money to keep me "safe."

more details to come, just wanted to provide this quick update and send out a prayer request for suu kyi, that he Lord would protect her, and work through her to bring hope and peace and freedom back to the people of burma.

isn't she beautiful? :)











and since this is a happy post, of hope and joy, i also want to include a picture of a seagull, on a glass ceiling, taken from underneath:

please continue to pray for the people of burma, all the children of southeast asia, and for God's Word to reach all ears.  <3

...to break every chain

there is something that is happening, so beyond what i deserve to be a part of, that i have to constantly remind myself that i am.

a very sweet, dear man named dr. charlick heads a medical mission agency whose focus is to reach the unreached, and he so beautifully states, "everyone deserves to hear at least once"...i heard him say this, and was moved, when in that southeast asian country last year, but now, now it moves my heart to break, tears to flow relentlessly down my cheeks.

my dear friend and lovely roommate is forming her own non-profit to support the children's ministry that one of the local/native pastors has formed...see, there is a financial embargo against this s.e. asian country right now for numerous human rights reasons/violations/etc, so while there is a local church here in the states that wants to support his (children's) ministry monthly, there is no way to get it to him. seeing the problem, and having the resources, my sweet friend who was also there with me last january is forming a non-profit as a way for money to be raised to support his children's ministry.

there are many layers to this story, hopefully i'll type most of them tonight....

for lack of a better description, evangelism is "illegal" (t)here...but, in this case, since the ministry is for children,  and the government doesn't really care about them (children), they go relatively unharrassed (there children are considered to be without worth..less than the stray animals that roam the streets). this is good for us, the government's lack of care about the children, because it leaves the door pretty open for us to work with this children's "club", which tells them all about the love of Jesus, and is seeing many of the children, and their families come to have a personal relationship with Him.
the children are the future of any country, and beginning here, where hundreds of children are coming each week to learn of Jesus, the spiritual climate of this s.e. asian country can be completely changed in the next 30 years!

this local pastor, let's call him stephen (he was a great Jesus-loving man in the bible), has taught the children how to share the gospel with their peers...they do so through a set of index style picture/word cards (kind of like those "bead bracelets" we used to wear as children)...anyhow, the number of children that attend increases each week, because they are all evangelizing each other.

here's another problem, since evangelism is "illegal" there, so are bibles...now, there are bibles there, they've been snuck in, etc, but, there are definitely no children's bibles. when my dear friend asked me to be on the board of her non-profit as "child outreach specialist and consultant" i eagerly agreed....actually, i think i probably "eeeeked!"...but she now knows what my "eeeks" mean. ;)
i immediately went back to dr. charlick's words "everyone deserves to hear, at least once"...and i thought about these children; i thought about the stacks and stacks of children's bibles in people's garages, thrift stores, used book stores, etc. and the ease of resource we have to give our children children's bibles here...and how there are NO children's bibles in this country's language. i then thought, well, let's fix that.  it just so happens the church i started attended newly this year has a service offered in the evening on sunday's for our city's population of people from that area.  we were invited to go up front and speak to them, so, we of course, jumped up to it like giddy little girls, and told of the wonderful things the Lord is doing there, and our plans.  i asked for volunteers to help translate a children's bible, and after the service was approached by 3 very excited enthusiastic young ladies to do so.

this is where we are, the paper work is filed, she's awaiting some sort of identification number for it then she can proceed...we're hoping to have it established by summer, i'm hoping to have a children's bible translated (story style) by august and at least generically bound book style in time to take about 100 for the next team that goes there in january of 2013.

these people are so beautiful, they are so eager to hear.  i know it is so hard for some to fathom that there can be people who have not at least heart of Jesus, the story of creation, etc. but, last year, i met many, and they were all so eager to call Him their Savior. the harvest is ripe!

i think over my life, the last few years, and drop my head. i shake it, and i often fall to my knees in humble praise.  He can use anyone, and that He would use me, i still cannot wrap my head around. to quote st. francis: "i have been all things unholy, if God can use me, He can use anyone".  people that know me may ask "what's been that bad", and i sadly can state that they can't even begin to imagine. if there's ever been a reason for God to throw up His hands and say, "I can't/won't use you again"...i have provided it, i've been it, i've

this isn't the same type of country where i've been that mothers come to me crying, shoving their babies in my arms, begging me to take them with me so they won't starve, but the desperation and eminent need is a whole different measure.  full belly, empty belly,  this concern is what's filling the heart. i fall to my knees and plea with Him, please, Lord! give them time, give them time to hear!  let their hearts be filled! if i cannot make it soon enough, You are mighty and able to appear to them in dreams, You are so much bigger than I can wrap my mind around, provide a way!  do not let their hearts perish! i cry this over, and over, and over, and over, and over.

more to come, less rambly i hope.   :)

EVERYONE DESERVES TO HEAR, AT LEAST ONCE.  <3

the love of it all

luke 14:
but, when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed.  although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous. 

it started two years ago with my dear friend caroline's idea to make her birthday an occasion to have a christmas party for the homeless, the lonely.  her and another friend, nichole were showered with donations and blessings of over 100 coats, yummy food, decorations etc for us to use there.  it was a wonderful experience, opening up a building our church owns to invite in those who had nowhere to go and no one to be with during this time of the year.
the next year, i took the reigns and my "don't take no for an answer" drive, and was blessed by how the surrounding business community agreed to be involved.  60 pizzas, two large honey baked hams, lots and lots of starbucks coffee, and sweet treats from local bakeries were donated.  several of us sacrificed or "christmas budget" and instead bought gloves and small books to give as presents.
this year, marks the third year that my friends and i are hosting a christmas party for those who have no where to go and no one to be with, and show them the love of Christ, the value they have.

our church doesn't have a choir, instead we have worship teams that alternate weekends, but, by golly, the unofficial choir is performing, our pastor is speaking, and God is good.

in all of my travels, all the places i have been, and, i'm going to go ahead and speak for caroline too, in all her travels, her time on the mercy ship, one thing remains: full belly, or empty belly, let us also focus on filling the heart.  let us also take the hand, hug the shoulder, and pat the back.  let us offer a smile, a sincere greeting, wherever we are, not just in this season.  many people that come, just want to be listed to, just want eye contact, for someone to devote attention to them when they talk--even if they aren't talking about "anything".

last year, we had approximately 150 men, women, and children show up.  we say, bring more!  there are more than 150 with no home and no family; God will provide.
i read somewhere that americans will spend about 450 billion---billion...B....this year at christmas.  that's a lot of stuff.  this sounds terribly cliched, but, let us give this christmas away.
there are many tears, rolling down chapped, cold cheeks, there are many cold hands, many tattered sweaters and falling-apart jackets.  there are many tired feet that walk up and down the streets everyday looking for a place of warmth.
i think of Jesus, and i think of His question, "what is easier to say, "get up and walk" or "your sins are forgiven"--He had the power to do both, He did both.  He has also equipped us to do blessings in His name, so, i ask, what is easier, to open up a building for a few hours or to open up your heart to these wonderful people in need.  they know when someone is paying "lip-service" to them, and they know when someone truly cares.  let us care, let us love.  let us be His hands and feet.

this past sunday was my first sunday in a church since i have been back. it was difficult.  the climate control, the walls, the nice clothing, etc.  my heart ached.  i left several times, and prayed. prayed. prayed. after the service was over, i was talking to a friend and a small girl came running up to me, cute little puffed hair with little clips in it, clunky boots, big brown eyes, soft brown skin, and she wrapped her arms around me, and buried her head just below my chest, where it reached.  and i hugged her back, holding one shoulder and embracing her with my other arm.  she looked up, smiled and walked away.  and i smiled, and thanked God for that message.

there is always someone in need of a sweet smile, a pat on the back, a listening ear, kind words, a hug....sometimes it's us that needs the hug.  and it's always us who are asked to give it, at all times.

if you'd like to help, hands-on, with the Luke 14 christmas party, then, it's saturday december 17th at belmont in the fellowship hall from 1-4. if you'd like to help, and can't be there in person, we are always taking donations, in any form: monetary (in person, or paypal to the right ----->), baked goods, treats, etc.

"safeguarding the rights of others is the most beautiful beginning and end of a human being"--khalil gibran

“to love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. to love is to be vulnerable.” --c.s. lewis 


and, to quote the signature of the email of a lovely family i know: 
"the will know us by our love" 


let's go. be. love.  :)  

the beauty of it all

"you are altogether beautiful my darling, and there is no blemish in you" --song of solomon 4:7

there is this place in all women (though, through trails, pain, hurts and scars, maybe a bit more hidden in some than others) that longs to hear those words. 

most of us look at ourselves through human eyes.  eyes that are themselves scarred. defiled, blemished.

i cannot get her out of my mind.  her question, which i have now referenced several times, "are you going to die?"  her sickly and frail body. her sadness.  her fear.  her loneliness.  the young child she would leave behind.  her story, which was the same as many women's story: grew up without a father, hungry, lonely.  (thought she) found comfort, happiness in the arms of a man there. he was (HIV) positive.  he infected her, and then left her, and the unborn child, to move on to the next woman.  this was/is a pattern. i ask why.  she continue to have relationships with other men, after being positive, why she would have a relationship with a man she knew was positive.  the answer i got "they (women) don't want to die alone."  if her daddy had just stayed and held her, if he was just there to tell her she was beautiful, to laugh when she laughed, to dance with her, she would have known she was beautiful.  she would have known that she had a much greater value than any man here could (falsely) give her.  with her one question of "are you going to die" she became a part of me.  a mark on my heart.  an impression in my skin.

the shouts of glee: "mzungu!!!"  pierce my ears and heart.  the dirty, sticky hands that slip into mine--that slipped into mine.  the dirty clothes, mine and theirs.  i could tell each one of them how incredible and loved they are, everyday, all day long.  i can plead with my tone for their hearts to believe it and receive it.

full bellies, or empty bellies, all hearts are the same.  they each long to hear, to know of it's beauty.  all eyes are the same, they all want to stare in the eyes of their lover, or Lover of their souls and know they are beheld with a heart, His heart.  our skin aches to be touched.  either by one here, or by the One who hung upon a tree.

i wish so that we could break from our preoccupation with the mirror, and stare into the eyes of the One who created us, the One who does whisper, "You are altogether beautiful my darling, there is no spot in you." that we could give our hearts to others with no expectation of anything return, and know that when He fills our heart, that it can stand up under the weight of any crushing blow. that when we speak words of love to others, inspired by Him, that if they are not returned by them, they are certainly returned by Him.  that when we look upon one we love dearly, and their eyes turn from us, that His remain upon us, gazing with a burning passion, that moves Him to receive the curse meant for us.  that when we reach out to others, only to have our hands slapped away, His reach down and grasp them in His own.
that al the time we are longing to hear certain words from others, feel things from others, touch from others, He is offering those to us, with greater affect than we can imagine, if we would just rest in the truth that it is from Him that which is all we need, and nothing else compares.

i want so badly for her, whom is now etched in my heart, seared into my soul, who asked "are you going to die". i want her to know and feel the joy that is waiting for her, the love that will never leave her, the hands that were pierced just to hold her.  i want her to feel those.  i want to see her be received into the arms of Jesus, and for all her tears to be wiped away, for her sickness to be made well, and her loneliness to be cast aside as she gazes upon Him, and all else is forgotten.

abandoned by some, loved by others, adored by One

many brothers and sisters

"rejoice ye barren woman, break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not been in labor, for the children of the desolate one will be greater than of the children of her who is married"--isaiah 54:1

the joy of the Lord is our freedom

abandoned, yet full of love; blind but able to see her Father before her,  rarely held, but continually feeling the hands of God

"but those who hope in the Lord, will renew their strength. they will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" --isaiah 40:31 

rescue is coming

“to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. to love is to be vulnerable.” --c.s. lewis

joy!

i have nothing to bring to the table. and that makes His grace all the more sweeter.
i have no impressive words or speeches to deliver, and that makes His words all the more clear.
i have no beauty in and of myself, and that lets His shine through all the more.
i have nothing to offer, and by Him, everything to give.

i've read, by way of several sources, that is 6%-7% of professing christians would adopt, there would be no more orphans in the world.
there are approximately 148 million orphans in the world.

james 1:27 is pretty clear: "religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this:to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world"


"visit" means this: 
"to go to for the purpose of official inspection or examination; or, to come to in order to comfort or aid"




"visit" does not mean "slum tourism"--you can read a great article about that here.




the joy of life is this: to surrender it for the love of Christ.  as john piper says, "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him."  satisfaction is in loving, serving, sharing the Word, His love, His story.  to see His love, nailed to a cross.  to see our love, visiting them:

here's the thing, Jesus calls us to love Him.  He doesn't give us a comfortable life because He loves us more than children in a 3rd world country, He gives us a life-long oppportunity to be His hands and feet.  our status and bank account are less about how much He loves us, and more about what He has called us to do, and How much He loves His lost, hungry sheep all over the world. 


i know that i want desperately for these children to know they are loved. 
i know that there is no greater thing in life than to love, to love without limits, limits imposed upon us by our own hurts, scars, wounds, fears...
consider paul, a pharisee, converted, wounded, attacked, hated.  the one who once hated, was now being hated and life threatened because of his outrageous love. AN OUTRAGEOUS LOVE!  the key to that is: outrage.  out of outrage, that we should feel from the mass of orphans, the hunger, the sickness, the prostitution desperate women find themselves in, we should let a love burn in us, that cannot be contained, that cannot be held back. we must do something.  also, to relate back to paul, when we choose to follow Him, i mean, really, really, truly, abandon all, and follow Him, we're going to face attack.  that's why we're told again, by paul, to consider it pure joy.  the trails, the pain, they refine us, they shape our hearts, to a more beautiful heart that shouts His name, that shines His glory!  we share in His suffering! and to suffer, not only for Him, but for His children, that is an incredible love, an incredible joy!


suffer for those hurting, and hide your pain behind Jesus; bleed for those hurting, and hide your scars with layers of clothing; reject food and feel hunger for those who cannot escape it and hide your diminishing frame in purple robes and gowns; live modestly for those that are dying less than modestly; this is love: to carry one another's burdens, and consider it pure joy that your reward is not here, not measurable, the reward is simply fulfilling the gospel. who are we if we do not love? what is love without action? nothing.


--i have a lot of emotions to comb through, these will become more coherent again soon! :)