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Wednesday, November 2, 2011

..and also what paul and henry were talking about--and clive staples too.





i sat down and looked around the room, and the words of : henry david thoreau came to mind:
"the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation" 
they looked solemn, a veil of sadness having overcome their faces.  i looked closely and i saw empty faces and empty eyes.  i wanted so badly to go up to each one, and take them by the shoulder and shake them, hug them, do something! and tell them there is an incredible love out there, there is an indescribable joy, that is waiting for them.  i want to plead with them to want it, i want them to know that they are missing it! 
these thoughts came as i sat waiting to board the plane that was the beginning of my journey back to the states.  i only can refer to these places now as what they are: "the states" and "africa"....because the truth is, i can't say "home" anymore...people ask me in the airport, "are you headed back home?" i can only smile and respond by saying, "i'm headed back to the states".  i really don't feel like i have a home anymore.  there's this thing in my heart. this, this, this desperation, for the Lord.  i now weap when i read paul's words: 
for to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. if I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. my desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. but to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. convinced of this, i know that i will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again. -philippians 1:21-26
i feel that same thing so deeply.  i believe that's why that thought struck me when i sat there and saw a room full of solemn, sad, lonely, empty faces. i dare not insinuate that my face is always shining so brightly with joy itself, i pray for that to be true, but it is not, there are times when i feel that surely the longing in my heart is made manifest on my face, i believe that those times when the lamentations of my heart are so loud, they drown out all other voice and sound, that it veils my face as well--i say this to say that i am not perfect, i do not have all the answers--well, i have the answer--Jesus.
i believe that we all are desperate for something, and what we are desperate for, i believe, is an incredible tell of our heart.  i want that longing on other's faces that i see to be for more intimacy with God, more, more...just more with Him!  that would bring me joy--if the desperation was for Him, more of Him. but, i know it is not always so with those i see, and even myself.  
i also believe that c.s. lewis said it best when he wrote: "if i find myself in a desire in which nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that i was meant for another"
(---side note: i am currenlty in the london-heathrow airport, staying an 8 hour layover, and the sweetest couple just walked in front of me...there's a huge "christmas tree" type structure, with lights and color, and garland, etc. the woman has walked in front to have her picture taken in front of it---why is this so cute and sweet? they're about 80 in my estimation. traveling together, finding delight in the simple such as taking a picture in front of a christmas tree in an airpot.  he is now showing her the picture he took of her for approval, she sweetly nodded her head, smiled, and took his arm, and they have walked away; thank you Lord for that Love between them, thank you Lord that she still takes his arm, and they still find joy in the simple!) 

....and back on track! ...
i find myself looking at the others here in the london-heathrow airport the same way.  praying for them, thinking about their lives, their original design, their calling---what it would look like if they answered it...what mine would look like too--if i pursued it 100%, truly saying, "it's not about me! it's all about Jesus".  i find myself over and over and over meditating on this, "be desperate for His presence--all my longings, desires, hopes--to be only about Him--Whom i am designed for"


i think about the drastic changes in lifestyles i am experiencing all within a 24 hour period.  i think again about what i am headed back too, and know it doesn't feel like "home".  i can't think of any physical place that feels like "home" but only a spiritual place, a place where i solely rest in Him, and His will, His design, what breaks His heart: the place i am designed for. 


i think about my quiet desperation.  the quietness is in words only, because i know it surely screams loudly on my face, when i am not near Him, when i am not passionately pursuing Him, when my flesh and my own heart take over...when i choose, even for brief moments, the old heart, that was wounded, and not the new heart that has been restored, redeemed, and set apart. the wounded heart drives the quiet desperation, that veils the face, that muffles the joy, that hold the new self back behind the old self. 
i think about my heart's laments---a lot, and i give them to Him.  i give those sick babies to Him, i give those malnourished bloated bellies to Him, i give those mothers that ask you if you can take their child/their baby back to the states with you to Him, i give the young teenage girls giving themselves to undeserving guys to Him, and in that, i also have to give myself to Him, wholly, completely, totally-to Him, because there is a desperation in me too--that i can only direct toward Him.


i give these to Him:

what do you do when every sight around you screams: "you can never do enough! children will continue to die of starvation, because they don't have clean water, access to medicine..."

at these times, i again think about the words of paul: if i give my body over to be burned and have not loved, it profits nothing."  when i think about what paul said, i also think about what st. augustine said: "charity is NO substitute for justice withheld
love visits. love fights for the good of others.





love is patient. love is kind. it is not jealous, love does not boast, it is not prideful, it keeps no record of wrongs....


love says, "it's not about me"--and gives it all to Him.





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