lift up your eyes!

there is a joy that lives through hunger. poverty. death. abandonment.  He is among the poor.  He is among those far away.  He is close to the heavy laden. a child that He welcomes--no, CALLS to His lap.  a tear that He wipes away, and eyes that He appears before.  His majesty dances around them.  His holiness dwells among them.  His splendor clothes them.  the work now.  they will find rest in Him.

through corruption of a government that tells them they will never find relief.  oppression that denies them help. He calls us forth.  He calls you forth.  they grow bigger as these frames grow smaller. one day, this will be made right.  one day, He will set everything in order, heal, restore, hand out measures.

there are many stories.  many broken hearts. healed hearts. healing hearts. eyes that have shed many tears.  eyes that have seen many tragedies.  eyes that have also beheld the Glory of God. hands that have reached with no response in the middle of the night.  hands that are now held my mine. by yours. they are just children.  they are all His children.

they color:

they make two trips a day to fetch water to boil to drink or cook with

what was your 6 year old doing this morning?  today at lunch? 

 they are family. sisters. brothers. not orphans. they are a family.  there is love. here is love.

there is a place for them.  in hearts.  in His Kingdom.  here. 

10 girls that share a room.  5 boys that share a room. bunk beds squeezed in for all heads to have a place to rest. lights go dim. they giggle.  they laugh.  they are family.  

i have seen the Glory of God as well.  and It rest here.  i have felt the breeze of His Holy Spirit, when i walked with them.  i have seen His eyes, when i looked into theirs. 

 Shake off your dust;
   rise up, sit enthroned, Jerusalem.
Free yourself from the chains on your neck,
   Daughter Zion, now a captive.
 For this is what the LORD says:
   “You were sold for nothing,
   and without money you will be redeemed.”
--isaiah 52:2-3

This is why it is said:
   “Wake up, sleeper,
   rise from the dead,
   and Christ will shine on you.”

--ephesians 5:14

He shines in this place. on them. 

His ways are higher than my own: isaiah 55

just as the heavens are higher than the earth, My ways are higher than your ways:

we visited an orphanage in ethiopia on our next to last day, which is not unusual from any other of our days here, except for the fact that this orphanage, this day, was the cataylst for a righteous anger that rose up in me.  an orphanage run by nuns, all of whom have well meaning intentions and giving hearts--i do not doubt this; but it is a matter of practicality: resources/money.  the stench of urine, feces, and vomit (children are always sick) was overpowering in some rooms.  one child sitting on a children’s potty in the midst of a 12 ft x 12 ft room filled with no less than 15 cribs, for 10 minutes, while all strength available in his weak body was used to hold himself up. the sister in the room pointed to him and said, “sick. sick”.  this precious 1 year old son of our God had a gaping wound below his mouth, masking his chin as being nothing more than a mess of exposed tissue festering with infection and disease.  i thought of the states, and my friends, my family, people i don’t even know: that would never happen there, go untreated, left for the helpless babe to suffer in pain every minute, of every hour of every day. his eyes glassed over from dehydration from sickness. loneliness screamed at me from them, and i embraced him in my hands.  i was given a cup of pedialyte-like drink to give him, and i held it with one hand as i embraced his head in my other hand. holding him close to me, the odor of vomit soaked into his clothing, his skin.  i shed tears, and could do nothing more than sing “Jesus loves you” over him. 

i walked down to another room, slightly larger, but with many more cribs.  no less than 35 cribs packed into a room that was perhaps 15 ft x 15 ft.  this room was for the infants, newborns, and children with special needs and bedridden.  the first greeting i received when entering this room was from my friend, amanda, who was sitting next to a pretty girl that i would assume was 3 or 4 years old.  i greeted her, and will refer to her as “e” for this. she had one of the worst cases of hydrocephalus i’ve seen: in person, on t.v. in photographs.  her head was filled with fluid, skull expanded to the size of beach ball. making the presentation of this condition all the more painful to observe was that her body was grossly undeveloped, with her body alone weighing most likely no more than 15 pounds,  i would guess that her head weighed twice this. my original thought of seeing her and believing she was 3/4 years old was shattered when my friend amanda told me she was 18.  the tears that had already gathered in my eyes and began streaming down my cheeks soon pooled into a steady flow as my heart raced, and mind grasped for an understanding.  a combination of the last two weeks of visiting orphanages with anywhere from 80-600 children, the constant site of children with no shoes, open sores, malnourished bellies, iron deficiencies evident by looking into their eyes and seeing solid yellow where we would see whites of ours, babies sleeping two to a crib, children sleeping 2 to a twin bed, some on the floor, wearing clothes so tattered and worn that we (americans) would choose a trash can for them as opposed to donating to a thrifts store, all led to my pleading heart begging for answers, my mind lacking understanding. knowing that His thoughts are not my thoughts, and neither His ways are my ways, just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so His ways higher than mine (isaiah 55) i still wanted to understand, comprehend why there is still orphans, these conditions that they must live in. “christianity is the most populous religion in the world”, i muffled screamed, continuing on “so why is this still happening?!  why are they still here?!”.  i sat next to “e”, not knowing what to say, what to do, but lay my hand on her, stroke her arm, and quote jeremiah 29 over her. i prayed this over her.  i spoke the truth of solomon’s words over her, “you are all together beautiful my darling, there is no spot in thee”.  i spoke truth over her, that she has a Heavenly Father, an Abba Father, that loves her, that is preparing a place for her.  i told her that one day, when Jesus embraces her in His arms, He will give her a perfect body, that will live in a mansion on streets of gold.  that she is being called to a land of milk and honey.  the pressure from the fluid around her brain had caused her to become blind, and i saw her eyes darting around, moving rapidly as i spoke to her, as i prayed truth over her.  i prayed that the Holy Spirit would take the words He spoke through me, and translate them to what she could understand as they reached her precious ears. 

after i left “e”’s side, i cradled babies in my arms, babies with bones protruding from their bodies, with sunken in cheeks and yellowed eyes.  these babies which lied in cribs lined up side by side, row by row, too many for my two arms to hold. they lied there, with  blankets that reeked of urine covering their tiny bodies, pillows beside their heads, with bottles propped on them.  too many babies, too few sisters to feed them, too few of us too. to be fed a bottle and not held.  too small to even hold the bottle with their own hands, yet, not even anyone to hold them.  we tried desperately to hold every precious baby, to kiss each cheek, to rub each head, to stroke each arm.  all i could do is pray and speak scripture over them.  my words are so inadequate.  His are so powerful.  i spoke truth over them of redemption, of how they will one day be sitting at the feet of Jesus, and i will be in the back, i told them of how the last will be first and first will be last, how the poor will be rich, and sick made well. 

Lord, these are Your arms, Your hands, Your words, i drink them like milk and honey-they are so sweet to me and i will speak them over Your orphans.  these are Your orphans, Your children, Your heirs.  Your ways are higher than mine, and i do not understand, but my faith in You tells me that You have them perfectly in Your hands and You have a place for them at Your feet. 

i walked through a garden today and i thought of You

i walked through a garden today and i thought of You.

we arrived at Noel orphanage and were greeted by hundreds of children from 4/5 years old to teenagers before we all could get off the bus. hands were grabbed, cheeks kissed, and arms wrapped around necks.  we walked a hundred feet and were greeted by walking toddlers spilling out of rooms. they were quickly swept up and held in our arms and snuggled to our chests, heads buried in our necks and their heads and cheeks rubbed by our embracing hands. 

too soon after this, we were pulled away to take a tour, leaving the snuggles, embraces, hands and arms behind. 

on the tour, i walked through a garden, and thought of You. my heart breaking for them.  their hunger, their sickness, their "orphan" status. air escaped me and my heart sank. hearing nothing, but Your presence swirling around us. 

how much more Lord must Your heart break for us!  

Your prayed for me until blood as sweat dripped from your brow.  You prayed if it were Lord's will, this cup shall pass from You, but You drank from it and my sins like blood soon poured down Your broken body. 

today, i hugged orphans of the world, i kissed dirty cheeks, and had slobbery ones on mine, i held many tiny hands, hugged many necks, carried babies, and cried as we all sang "Hosanna" together. and i thought of You. 

i love life, i hope you do too...it's all amazing...it's life changing

on august 6th, i will board a plane, ultimately bound for uganda, where i will live with, love on, teach, and feed (emotionally, physically, and watch God, spiritually) the children of return uganda ministries, an orphanage founded by pastor samuel bubonero.

my body has been there, and my heart has stayed there. i see their faces everyday, i feel their hands slip into mine, i hear their laughter, the chants of their songs, i see the shinning of their eyes that not even the most desperate hunger can drown out--yet.  that has to be captured.  that light, that sparkle, is to be fed, nurtured, protected, and encouraged.

some of the children from this ministry i met last year:
---side note: i did indeed wipe his runny little nose after this picture was taken. :)

she was my love. at first site, because she chose a fanta.  ;)









it becomes unbearable at times.  thinking of the hunger, the sickness, the children without a mother, without a father; who are not rocked to sleep every night and sung to, whispered to how lovely and special they are, how much God loves them, who don't have someone to scoop them up in their arms when they cry after falling or having a bad dream.  who don't have someone there to rub their backs when they are sick.

the cry of my heart: let me be that oh Lord!  that i may use my hands to hug and hold, to rock to sleep.  that i may use my feet to hasten to the lonely, the outcast, the forgotten, the hungry.  that i may use my heart, to be rid of all selfish ambition and desire, that it may be filled with Your love oh Lord, Your love that embraces the lepers, the hungry, the sick, the needy, the widows, the orphans.

that i may kiss tear-stained cheeks.  that i may cup my hands upon their precious faces, gaze into their eyes, and say to the fatherless, "God loves you! you have a Heavenly Father that will NEVER leave, fail, or forsake you" and that i may be a living embodiment of His love.  that He may cleanse me of myself so that i may be filled with more of Him, and wrap that love around those who have not felt it.

that i may not live a life of excess while they have nothing. that i may not live my life trapped in the hurts of my past, when the love for them is bursting out.  i simply can't not go.  love.  feed.

i love life; but not my life.  i love His life that ended at 33 for me, for you, for THEM.
this love, it's life changing.

...and we don't have to be scared

i think about the story of peter's life.  Jesus told him he would deny Him 3 times, and peter couldn't believe it, he protested that he would ever do that to his Lord.  sure enough, he did, in Christ most crucial hour. three times peter denied Christ. when Christ arose from the dead, He came to peter and asked: "peter, do you love me?"  "yes, Lord,i love You"; "peter, do you love me?"  "yes, Lord,i love You", "peter, do you love me?"  "yes, Lord,i love You".  peter was redeemed.  three times he denied our Lord, and Christ, in His loving mercy, redeemed peter, and instead of departing with peter's last act to Him having been three denials, it was three "yes Lord, i love You."  how magnificent!  how wonderful that He does the same for us.  i, a broken person, with eyes that couldn't take the gaze off of my own scars, redeemed, given new eyes that gaze upon the scars and hearts of others.  a redeemed heart that abandons all concern for it's own desires, and it's only burning desire now is to love others, love the rejected, downcast, orphaned, poor and desolate. He is good beyond what any of us deserve. to quote st. francis: "i have been all things unholy, if He can use me, He can use anyone."
 
i've started collecting supplies to take with me for the children at the orphanage i'll be working at: peanut butter (great source of protein), electrolyte powder (recovery after malaria-which is a weekly occurrence), bibles, bible story books, scholastic books, paper, pencils, crayons, band-aids, anti-biotic ointment, h202, vitamins, etc. it's amazing, how sending out emails for these donations and making quick, easy, cost-efficient runs to the store is a stark contrast of how blessed we are here, how we take for granted that we know people who can just give us these things they have in excess, how we can get these things for minimal cost at any corner store, yet these things are so valued and difficult to come by/obtain where i am going.  i can't even begin to discuss the water situation.  i am working on this for them.

He is good, when there is nothing good in us, He is good.  when we love here, and stand before Thee at day's end, we don't have to be afraid.   that's all that matters, is loving God, loving others.  and meeting Him face to face.  everything else is just distraction.  it's all about Jesus. 

my new roommates, in exactly 2 months! :)

i love them!

that's it.  :)

it's not about me

i've been really captivated by the teachings of sweet mother teresa lately. her love, her gentleness, her sweetness, it inspires my heart.
"i don't think there is anyone who needs God's help and grace as much as i do. sometimes i feel so helpless and weak, i think that is why God uses me.  because i cannot depend on my own strength. i rely on Him 24/7.  if the day had even more hours, i would need His help and grace during those hours as well. all of us must cling to God through prayer"--mother teresa
to quote st. john vianney "shut your eyes, shut your mouth and open your heart." mother teresa added to this by saying "in vocal prayer we speak to God; in mental prayer He speaks to us.  it is then that God pours Himself into us"
lessons learned: when you make up your mind, and profess that your life's work is to be a living vessel of His mercy, love, and His mouthpiece two things happen:
1) God sanctifies you.  this is done with fire (to bring out the impurities).
2) the enemy attacks you.  this is done with fiery things.
the difference: God's sanctification with fire rids you of impurities, so that you become like pure gold, in which He can see His reflection in.  the enemy's fiery things are meant to destroy--rest assured, he will not succeed though.  close your eyes, close your mouth, and open your heart in these times.
my move to africa is a mere 3 months away.  the fire is coming from all sides.  i can only cling to God through the enemy's fiery darts and i can only open myself for God's fire that purifies.  i want to reflect him.
we live such a short life, i have two choices with my life: i can live it for me, about me, to benefit me. or i can open it up to be about Him, others, His Kingdom, and cling to Him.
there are too many tears to wipe, cheeks to kiss, hands to hold, shoulders to hug, ears that need to hear of God's great love, and how that love manifested in Christ.
i desire to take my eyes off of my own suffering, and gaze them upon the hurt of others. i desire to say, walk in, live in: "it's not about me, it's about those my hands can reach", and again, God, in His great mercy and infinite wisdom, brings opportunities for this to be practiced.  He is a faithful, just, and righteous God, and we/i must say, anything to rid me of myself, anything to remind me that it' not about me, but it's all about You. it's all about Jesus. the first two commandments: love God. love others. let God fill you, so that He overflows from you and out onto others.  let His love saturate them.  for this to happen, i must decrease.  i must take my eyes off of my own suffering, off my own hurt.  i must say, the grief i experience, the pain in encounter, those days/nights where my heart absolulte weaps for itself, let me say, "okay Lord, let my heart weap that way for others, not for me, let my spirit ache that way for others, not for itself"  it's not about me.
in the end, and through it all, God will take the enemy's fiery darts and attacks and use them for His glory, for His good, to still accomplish His plan--i'd even say to sanctify us and bring us closer to Him.  whom else do we have to run to? none but Him.
i beg of you, where you're at.  gaze upon others.  be His hands and feet where you're at.  be His living vessel where you are at.
when the darts and fiery things from the enemy come, know this: enemy fire always increases as you get closer to the battle lines.  you are going in the right direction if you feel more and more assaults. run!  run!  the front line.  there are too many people on the other side that need you.  run!
run!!!  it only stings for a little bit.  keep running!!!