the beauty of it all

"you are altogether beautiful my darling, and there is no blemish in you" --song of solomon 4:7

there is this place in all women (though, through trails, pain, hurts and scars, maybe a bit more hidden in some than others) that longs to hear those words. 

most of us look at ourselves through human eyes.  eyes that are themselves scarred. defiled, blemished.

i cannot get her out of my mind.  her question, which i have now referenced several times, "are you going to die?"  her sickly and frail body. her sadness.  her fear.  her loneliness.  the young child she would leave behind.  her story, which was the same as many women's story: grew up without a father, hungry, lonely.  (thought she) found comfort, happiness in the arms of a man there. he was (HIV) positive.  he infected her, and then left her, and the unborn child, to move on to the next woman.  this was/is a pattern. i ask why.  she continue to have relationships with other men, after being positive, why she would have a relationship with a man she knew was positive.  the answer i got "they (women) don't want to die alone."  if her daddy had just stayed and held her, if he was just there to tell her she was beautiful, to laugh when she laughed, to dance with her, she would have known she was beautiful.  she would have known that she had a much greater value than any man here could (falsely) give her.  with her one question of "are you going to die" she became a part of me.  a mark on my heart.  an impression in my skin.

the shouts of glee: "mzungu!!!"  pierce my ears and heart.  the dirty, sticky hands that slip into mine--that slipped into mine.  the dirty clothes, mine and theirs.  i could tell each one of them how incredible and loved they are, everyday, all day long.  i can plead with my tone for their hearts to believe it and receive it.

full bellies, or empty bellies, all hearts are the same.  they each long to hear, to know of it's beauty.  all eyes are the same, they all want to stare in the eyes of their lover, or Lover of their souls and know they are beheld with a heart, His heart.  our skin aches to be touched.  either by one here, or by the One who hung upon a tree.

i wish so that we could break from our preoccupation with the mirror, and stare into the eyes of the One who created us, the One who does whisper, "You are altogether beautiful my darling, there is no spot in you." that we could give our hearts to others with no expectation of anything return, and know that when He fills our heart, that it can stand up under the weight of any crushing blow. that when we speak words of love to others, inspired by Him, that if they are not returned by them, they are certainly returned by Him.  that when we look upon one we love dearly, and their eyes turn from us, that His remain upon us, gazing with a burning passion, that moves Him to receive the curse meant for us.  that when we reach out to others, only to have our hands slapped away, His reach down and grasp them in His own.
that al the time we are longing to hear certain words from others, feel things from others, touch from others, He is offering those to us, with greater affect than we can imagine, if we would just rest in the truth that it is from Him that which is all we need, and nothing else compares.

i want so badly for her, whom is now etched in my heart, seared into my soul, who asked "are you going to die". i want her to know and feel the joy that is waiting for her, the love that will never leave her, the hands that were pierced just to hold her.  i want her to feel those.  i want to see her be received into the arms of Jesus, and for all her tears to be wiped away, for her sickness to be made well, and her loneliness to be cast aside as she gazes upon Him, and all else is forgotten.

abandoned by some, loved by others, adored by One

many brothers and sisters

"rejoice ye barren woman, break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not been in labor, for the children of the desolate one will be greater than of the children of her who is married"--isaiah 54:1

the joy of the Lord is our freedom

abandoned, yet full of love; blind but able to see her Father before her,  rarely held, but continually feeling the hands of God

"but those who hope in the Lord, will renew their strength. they will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" --isaiah 40:31 

rescue is coming

“to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. to love is to be vulnerable.” --c.s. lewis

joy!

i have nothing to bring to the table. and that makes His grace all the more sweeter.
i have no impressive words or speeches to deliver, and that makes His words all the more clear.
i have no beauty in and of myself, and that lets His shine through all the more.
i have nothing to offer, and by Him, everything to give.

i've read, by way of several sources, that is 6%-7% of professing christians would adopt, there would be no more orphans in the world.
there are approximately 148 million orphans in the world.

james 1:27 is pretty clear: "religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this:to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world"


"visit" means this: 
"to go to for the purpose of official inspection or examination; or, to come to in order to comfort or aid"




"visit" does not mean "slum tourism"--you can read a great article about that here.




the joy of life is this: to surrender it for the love of Christ.  as john piper says, "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him."  satisfaction is in loving, serving, sharing the Word, His love, His story.  to see His love, nailed to a cross.  to see our love, visiting them:

here's the thing, Jesus calls us to love Him.  He doesn't give us a comfortable life because He loves us more than children in a 3rd world country, He gives us a life-long oppportunity to be His hands and feet.  our status and bank account are less about how much He loves us, and more about what He has called us to do, and How much He loves His lost, hungry sheep all over the world. 


i know that i want desperately for these children to know they are loved. 
i know that there is no greater thing in life than to love, to love without limits, limits imposed upon us by our own hurts, scars, wounds, fears...
consider paul, a pharisee, converted, wounded, attacked, hated.  the one who once hated, was now being hated and life threatened because of his outrageous love. AN OUTRAGEOUS LOVE!  the key to that is: outrage.  out of outrage, that we should feel from the mass of orphans, the hunger, the sickness, the prostitution desperate women find themselves in, we should let a love burn in us, that cannot be contained, that cannot be held back. we must do something.  also, to relate back to paul, when we choose to follow Him, i mean, really, really, truly, abandon all, and follow Him, we're going to face attack.  that's why we're told again, by paul, to consider it pure joy.  the trails, the pain, they refine us, they shape our hearts, to a more beautiful heart that shouts His name, that shines His glory!  we share in His suffering! and to suffer, not only for Him, but for His children, that is an incredible love, an incredible joy!


suffer for those hurting, and hide your pain behind Jesus; bleed for those hurting, and hide your scars with layers of clothing; reject food and feel hunger for those who cannot escape it and hide your diminishing frame in purple robes and gowns; live modestly for those that are dying less than modestly; this is love: to carry one another's burdens, and consider it pure joy that your reward is not here, not measurable, the reward is simply fulfilling the gospel. who are we if we do not love? what is love without action? nothing.


--i have a lot of emotions to comb through, these will become more coherent again soon! :) 

30th birthday party--everyone, everywhere loves pizza!

so, i finally am uploading pictures from the 30th birthday party to end all parties, p-diddy/puffy daddy/puff the magic dragon/whatever-your-name-is-now...your white parties got nothing on my pizza party with these awesome kids!

lame.

kinda-pretty awesome, i admit. 

most awesomest, fabulous, pimpest, exclusive, a-list, notable, incredible party! (note the sign in the back: "oh, wow, they had pizza hut in uganda?!"--um, no. it actually says "pizza hot" same font though-sure 'nuff.  pizza with meat is pizza with meat, pizza hut or pizza hot, it was awesome! :) 

thank you all who made this awesome birthday party with my favorite 15 possible!  they had so much fun. for many, this was their first time going into town, seeing anything but dirt roads, for all, it was their first time eating in a restaurant, for all, it was a treat to have meat, on a day other than christmas. thank you, thank you, thank you!  you were such a blessing to them!

the feast! (there was a 2nd table too) 

"trying" to maintain some order.  seems orderly now...but they were just pretending for the camera! 

 

yes, yes that is indeed a mischievous smile. 

 posha trying to throw up the deuces :)

 

israel photobomb

playing at the main shopping center--a trip here alone was a treat for them!








and finally, my way of saying thank you again to you all:
an awesome picture of a squirrel photobomb:

it's the gift that keeps on giving :)

i will be posting more pictures and videos later.  i thought you all could only handle so much excitement, so, i'm rationing. :)

..and also what paul and henry were talking about--and clive staples too.

i sat down and looked around the room, and the words of : henry david thoreau came to mind:

"the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation" 

they looked solemn, a veil of sadness having overcome their faces.  i looked closely and i saw empty faces and empty eyes.  i wanted so badly to go up to each one, and take them by the shoulder and shake them, hug them, do something! and tell them there is an incredible love out there, there is an indescribable joy, that is waiting for them.  i want to plead with them to want it, i want them to know that they are missing it! 

these thoughts came as i sat waiting to board the plane that was the beginning of my journey back to the states.  i only can refer to these places now as what they are: "the states" and "africa"....because the truth is, i can't say "home" anymore...people ask me in the airport, "are you headed back home?" i can only smile and respond by saying, "i'm headed back to the states".  i really don't feel like i have a home anymore.  there's this thing in my heart. this, this, this desperation, for the Lord.  i now weap when i read paul's words: 

for to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. if I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. my desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. but to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. convinced of this, i know that i will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again. -philippians 1:21-26

i feel that same thing so deeply.  i believe that's why that thought struck me when i sat there and saw a room full of solemn, sad, lonely, empty faces. i dare not insinuate that my face is always shining so brightly with joy itself, i pray for that to be true, but it is not, there are times when i feel that surely the longing in my heart is made manifest on my face, i believe that those times when the lamentations of my heart are so loud, they drown out all other voice and sound, that it veils my face as well--i say this to say that i am not perfect, i do not have all the answers--well, i have the answer--Jesus.

i believe that we all are desperate for something, and what we are desperate for, i believe, is an incredible tell of our heart.  i want that longing on other's faces that i see to be for more intimacy with God, more, more...just more with Him!  that would bring me joy--if the desperation was for Him, more of Him. but, i know it is not always so with those i see, and even myself.  

i also believe that c.s. lewis said it best when he wrote: "if i find myself in a desire in which nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that i was meant for another"

(---side note: i am currenlty in the london-heathrow airport, staying an 8 hour layover, and the sweetest couple just walked in front of me...there's a huge "christmas tree" type structure, with lights and color, and garland, etc. the woman has walked in front to have her picture taken in front of it---why is this so cute and sweet? they're about 80 in my estimation. traveling together, finding delight in the simple such as taking a picture in front of a christmas tree in an airpot.  he is now showing her the picture he took of her for approval, she sweetly nodded her head, smiled, and took his arm, and they have walked away; thank you Lord for that Love between them, thank you Lord that she still takes his arm, and they still find joy in the simple!) 

....and back on track! ...

i find myself looking at the others here in the london-heathrow airport the same way.  praying for them, thinking about their lives, their original design, their calling---what it would look like if they answered it...what mine would look like too--if i pursued it 100%, truly saying, "it's not about me! it's all about Jesus".  i find myself over and over and over meditating on this, "be desperate for His presence--all my longings, desires, hopes--to be only about Him--Whom i am designed for"


i think about the drastic changes in lifestyles i am experiencing all within a 24 hour period.  i think again about what i am headed back too, and know it doesn't feel like "home".  i can't think of any physical place that feels like "home" but only a spiritual place, a place where i solely rest in Him, and His will, His design, what breaks His heart: the place i am designed for. 


i think about my quiet desperation.  the quietness is in words only, because i know it surely screams loudly on my face, when i am not near Him, when i am not passionately pursuing Him, when my flesh and my own heart take over...when i choose, even for brief moments, the old heart, that was wounded, and not the new heart that has been restored, redeemed, and set apart. the wounded heart drives the quiet desperation, that veils the face, that muffles the joy, that hold the new self back behind the old self. 
i think about my heart's laments---a lot, and i give them to Him.  i give those sick babies to Him, i give those malnourished bloated bellies to Him, i give those mothers that ask you if you can take their child/their baby back to the states with you to Him, i give the young teenage girls giving themselves to undeserving guys to Him, and in that, i also have to give myself to Him, wholly, completely, totally-to Him, because there is a desperation in me too--that i can only direct toward Him.


i give these to Him:

what do you do when every sight around you screams: "you can never do enough! children will continue to die of starvation, because they don't have clean water, access to medicine..."

at these times, i again think about the words of paul: if i give my body over to be burned and have not loved, it profits nothing."  when i think about what paul said, i also think about what st. augustine said: "charity is NO substitute for justice withheld

love visits. love fights for the good of others.

love is patient. love is kind. it is not jealous, love does not boast, it is not prideful, it keeps no record of wrongs....

love says, "it's not about me"--and gives it all to Him.