choose your heart

i’ve debated in my mind rather or not i should wrote this post, i am airing on the side of “do write and post”; just know that i am not uncovering anyone with any ill intent, but, more speaking to the state of humanity, and the long affects of an abandonment mentality, and given a direct prayer request for these and the 147 million other orphans in the world. 

i believe i have referenced in previous post the connection made between how we view our earthly father and how we view our Heavenly Father. if our earthly father is absent, abandons us, we will most likely have a distant view of our Heavenly Father, as One who is not there, One who does easily and readily leave us, despite His promise found throughout the pentatudes (first five books of the bible) of “I will never fail or forsake/abandon you.” if our earthly father was abusive, harsh, we will view our Heavenly Father as abusive, harsh, impossible to “please”.  

trails and traumatic events tend to stay with us much longer than necessary.  we live our present lives, often, as if the past still has control over us, as if the past is still a present danger, when 95% of the time, it is not. it is one of the schemes of the enemy to keep us from walking in the joy and freedom and grace made available to us through Jesus.  i’ve done it.  i’ve carried scars with me in what is supposed to be a freely healed heart. arghhhh, i hate talking about myself, i do.  there are few people that i will be bare with.  i will talk with almost anyone about theology, philosophy, etc, but myself, few. so, i’m going to painfully break that routine of not, and bare, because i am about to share other’s burdens/hurts too.  my fear: abandonment. it can bring me to tremble at the thought of it. having a close relationship/friendship/trust with someone, and then, they’re gone. i feel foolish, exposed, unsafe, and vulnerable--i hate it.  my fear of abandonment interferes with me from trusting and forming relationships a lot.  it goes back to my childhood--a long time ago...i know i am safe from things that happened, that hurt, that wounds in my heart, but, the enemy still wants me to believe that i am susceptable to those hurts again, that it’s going to be done to me all over again, and he attempts to magnify the hurt that it will bring--thus, (attempting to) steal(ing) my healed heart, and having me believe i still have the wounded heart.  it’s not true. at all.  my heart is beautifully redeemed and healed. that doesn’t mean that those things will never happen to me again, they have, and they will again, but, it means that this healed and redeemed heart receives it a different way.  it no longer has to receive it in a way that says it shapes and defines who i am.  it can now receive it in a way that says, “wow, that still hurts, but, what does God say about me?: He says “I will never fail or forsake/abandon you”. and i cling to that. my identity and safety no longer come from fellow man, but from the Lord, and that’s my freedom.  that’s my strength to face those fears, abandonment, in the face, receive it, acknowledge it hurts, then bring it to the Lord and He speaks truth over it.  it has taken a loooong time to get here. but i am here. keeping my gaze upon the Lord, desiring to never avert my eyes from Him and His truth over me.   :up until hitting "publish post" i debated rather or not i should strike all that personal information, but, i say now, "it's not about me" if someone else can be encouraged through it, than to God be the glory, if it helps relay the coming children's story and prayer request for them, than, the fear i feel in sharing is all worth it, to stir up hearts of prayer for them. :)   
****edit**** i also very much realize that much what we perceive now is just that, perception, lies, not true.  i realize that what i may perceive as abandonment now, is possibly not that at all.  it's about looking at the truth in things, and not through stained eyes or a wounded heart.  often times, we miss it, and make something be "proof" of our fear when in fact, it is not at all, --we have just accustomed ourselves to thinking something is hurtful or an attack when in fact, it is not at all. --so, the title should actually be, "choose your heart and eyes"--because we must not only change our hearts, but our eyes and mind. :)  <3  

i see this same struggle in my children here though.  the ones i work with daily.  they have had hard lives.  they have been in places where they were not provided for, given up, abandoned, etc. but that is no longer the case, the truth--they are cared for, loved, provided for where they’re at now.  some have experienced  years of having to con, steal, etc. to provide for themselves, protect themselves.  though they do not have to anymore, they still do.  it’s fear based. they are safe now. fed now. loved now. provided for now. belong now. etc. but, they still live in the past, with the heart that had to be hard, rough, and shrewd just to survive. they know in the forefront of their minds they do not have to worry about hunger, thirst, loneliness, but, their hearts are still attacked, they  as children still are, believing they still have to resort to old ways of conning and stealing to make it, to be provided for. caretakers’ rooms are entered and personal items gone through, taken, and items go missing, as if that is the only option for them to be fed, provided for, etc. this is not true, at all, but satan still has a grip on them. they still walk with their old hurt, scarred, jaded heart, instead of the healed, new, light heart that Jesus has promised them. “My yoke is easy and burden light”.   i remember thinking: all they  had to do is ask!  no need to steal, con, etc...just ask me!!! i care, i will help!  just ask!  don’t steal, con, etc! just ask!  i know they know that i, and the other adults care about and love them, but, the enemy’s grip it is tight!  then i look at my life, the lives of other people i see and also remember from the states, and i think to myself, we are no different. we may not steal of con, per se, but, how many of us walk, believing who Jesus was, what He did, how that changes us, but still walk with our old wounded hearts, letting those OLD, in the past wounds and scars shape us now, how we relate now.  the answer: many of us. i have. i have, until these past few weeks, utterly feared abandonment, until i came to a place where i had no one anyway, and came to see that Jesus is all i need. that doesn’t mean it still won’t hurt, but it does mean that when it does happen, i can receive it differently.  it’s like here, they may not get meat or vegetables everyday, but they will be fed. it doesn’t mean they won’t be disciplined, but when it happens it is done out of love. i pray that they will allow their hearts to believe this, that they will choose their new, healed, redeemed heart, over they past wounded one. they have a place now!  they are loved! they have no need to fear! but, they do. i continue to pray that they will chose their new heart, and lay the old habits of stealing and conning learned by their wounded hearts aside. when you think of how to pray for the hungry, the orphaned, the abandoned, please remember to not only pray for their provision, but also for their hearts. that they will choose new hearts, and no longer live in fear that resides mightily in their old hearts.  pray that they will believe in their new hearts, and that freedom will grow stronger and stronger. 

i would also encourage you in this, examine your heart, the heart that Christ lives in, do you still let the past wounds, transgressions shape you and have some aspect of control over your life now?  don’t!!!!!  live in your new heart, the heart that has been healed, wiped clean, the heart that is beautifully dwelled in by Christ. choose your heart, the old broken wounded one, or the new, healed, beautiful one that says, “hurts may still come, but, it will not shape my identity or control me!”  let Him shape and define you, not other mortal, sinful man. :)    walk in your freedom, and healing, and pray that these children all around the world can too. 

“a Jesus who never wept could never wipe away my tears”--charles spurgeon

"therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. the old has passed away; behold, the new has come!" 2 corinthians 5:17