we went on home visits to deliver gifts of new clothes, medicine, crafts, etc. a picture of one of the boys of a family who received his gift bag.
i think about standing before Him. and it brings me joy. it also brings me sadness and burden. there is an account i shall give, for how i loved, how i served His Kingdom. what did i do to the least of these? what did i do for them? how did i love them? did i count their lives more important than my own? how did i value my own life, and what did i define my “life” as? it is not measurable by our standards, my standards, but He looks upon us and sees through it all, to our heart. the apostle paul wrote “...if i give my body over to be burned, but have not loved, it profits me nothing.” i can say this: i never knew love, until i came to africa, i thought i did, but, what i deemed to be love was nothing more than my thoughts and transcendental spillings. for the past 30ish years, i have looked to improve, grow, change by looking at myself, examining myself, but have come to understand, all that looking at self only diverts the eyes from the Model they should gaze upon. our desire is to be Christ like in our service, love, and outreach, yet, we spend so much time focusing on ourself and how we can become that, that we neglect to gaze upon Him, look to Him who is the perfect example, and then let ourselves become that which we gaze upon. i am convinced we are surrounded by His glory, yet, we fail to see it, because we have fallen into the trap that we need to continue to search ourselves to grow, be refined, increase. when our eyes are focused inward, they cannot be focused anywhere else, and therefore we rob ourselves of beholding His Glory daily! when we focus solely on Him, neglecting that self-introspection we have been fooled into believing we need, He then truly becomes our guide, our heart feels and experiences Him, and it radically changes-us! no one ever trains them self in any sporting even, music skill, etc by watching people do it wrong, they focus on those that have perfected the craft, the art, the game, and learn from that. our lives are no different. gaze upon Him, look to Him! He is so precious to behold, to look to, to be with, His presence is so very captivating, that surely once we behold it, we shall never desire to look away, at anyone else, including ourself. that is love, true love; a love that shapes and come into us, because we gaze only upon Him. what an incredible love!
i walk down the dirt roads daily, from my house to the main church center where my 15 await me, along the way, i am greeted by many, children, adults, young, old, healthy, ill, lonely, laughing, hungry, and those that are full and i delight in their simple greetings. there is such a joy in the little hands that slip into mine, in their calls of “auntie carmen!” and giggles. and i think about the Father’s love, and my coming to Him. if we are to come to Him as children, what does our joy look like in that? those children that do not know my name simply call out “auntie mezungu!” and i delight in that even. there is no religious trap we shall catch ourselves in when praying or coming to the Lord, no thinking “what name of the Lord do i use? Jehova M’Kadesh? Jireh? Rapha? etc” no! no! no! we just call Him “Father!” “God!” “Lord!” He delights in it, because it is our voices that call it! when all they want to do is hold my hand, that’s all i want to do, is hold theirs. i know where most of them turn down to head to their homes, and we will slow the pace of our walk, simply so that we can delight in the presence of each other’s hands a little longer. the joy in just being in that presence. and His presence is so much sweeter.
i have only a few more weeks left until i return. i came to love, to serve, and yet, i am returning with a love i had not known before. upon realizing how limited i am in what i can do, and thus only being able to gaze upon Him and say, “Father, help!” that gazing has captured me, and my eyes have scarcely looked away since. those moments when they do, and i find them diverted, i hastily direct them back to their rightful place--Him.
i will be celebrating my birthday here with my 15 children, and would love for you to partner with me in blessing them for my birthday. i need only 8 more people who are willing to donate $10 a piece, and we will travel into town (a first for most), eat at a restaurant (a first for all (eating meat too, which is typically only a 3 times a year event)), and play at a play place. i desire for you to partner with me in this blessing for them, there is something so incredible sweet upon giving so that others may be blessed. you can donate through the paypal button on the right side of the screen. :)
side note: :)
--our english lesson today was playing i spy. i thought i’d see how well their receptive/verbally english skills were by doing this. oh, it was a blast. they giggled and ran and jumped with delight when they “spied” what i did. they squealed with glee when what i “spied” was something they were wearing, and then each would beg me to spy something they were wearing for the others to guess. there is an indescribable joy in their hearts. through all the pain, hunger, worries, and trials, joy presses through--He pushes and pulls them when they are weak, and it fills them with joy. they are wonderful and dearly loved.
“o God, be Thou exalted over my possessions. nothing of earth’s treasures shall seem dear unto me if only Thou art glorified in my life. be Thou exalted over my friendships. i am determined that Thous shalt be above all, though i must stand deserted and alone in the midst of the earth. be Thou exalted above my comforts. though it mean the loss of bodily comforts and the carrying of heavy crosses, i shall keep my vow made this day before Thee. be Thou exalted over my reputation. make me ambitious to please Thee even if as a result i must sink into obscurity and my name be forgotten as a dream. rise, o Lord into Thy proper place of honor, above my ambitions, above my likes and dislikes, above my family, my heath, even my life itself. let me decrease that Thou mayest increase, let me sink that Thou mayest rise above. ride forth upon me as Thou didst ride into jerusalem mounted upon the humble little beast, a colt, the foal of an ass, and let me hear the children cry to Thee, “Hosanna in the highest!”--a.w. tozer from the pursuit of God.
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